…dahil tawa lang ang pahinga”
Isn’t true. You also rest.. when you cry. Or when you daydream. Or create fiction stories. Or you think of the future. Or the the past. Or the could have been. Or when you think of someone. Or when you suddenly remember something else you have to do!
Maybe it’s a good thing (well, maybe not as well)…
that these things usually happen when the brain cells give up eating more gibberish or the heart gives up appreciating abstract paintings (ha, yeah… things get too frustratingly abstract sometimes)
… and that these things happen when everyone else is asleep (I try to comply with the unwritten rule that though shall not bother people beyond sleeping hours, out of respect… unless of course, I DESPERATELY NEED to ).
—-
You know what I feel sometimes when I’m still awake late at night or early morning? I feel that since everyone else is asleep, I feel that for a moment, the world is all mine, the world has its eyes on me. It’s the feeling that maybe I can get all available energy not being used by other people (selfishness alert), maybe I am feeling at that moment the magic that some people aren’t able to experience. I am alone with the moon, with stars sometimes.
I can dance. I can be as naked as I want. I can run on the streets, dark, wet, cold.
Funny you might say because sometimes, I do go out… some bouts of impulsivity.. because I just want to see the sky, the moon, walk, and just feel the air… That isn’t all… Because sometimes, I wish my prince is out there. (but I only end up in our “compound”, because, unfortunately, our community isn’t that safe)
And dream that my prince is actually there with me. That he’s working with me or we’re studying together. Or we’re sharing stories, or maybe he will. Do other things together. But this one I know I have to give up. Because maybe, I am wrong. It can’t be. Maybe for my situation, it isn’t really possible. Gah.
—
Naivity.
I have to admit something, it was more fun to think about these when the real princes doesn’t exist yet. It was a lot easier to think and feel when there isn’t anyone to think about.
I once said (or prayed), for the meantime, just allow me give me give love, the one I can share with a lot of people… the kind that I will not be selfish of, the one that I won’t keep to myself, the one that I can give all out.
I know it’s different when it will be my person. Because I’m afraid, when that certain person comes, I will be selfish, I will want to be loved back, I will want to keep that person to myself (that means I will be a priority). And what if that person doesn’t see me worthy? What if that person doesn’t get through the complexity of my person? What if that person doesn’t even see my person?
Well, I actually prefer for that person not to see my person. It saves everyone from experiencing complications. (Fine, ako lang pala.)
Maybe they are right. Maybe the little girl ended up like a sponge of my people’s stories, of the things I never experienced yet, and of which I only got the half of the story. And that sponge, kept it all inside - and it made her afraid.
I am becoming became that selfish person without even knowing it. And I don’t want to be selfish anymore.
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… but I don’t want to hurt anyone either!! And I don’t want to lose a possible good friend. It’s weird when you’re in a classroom and you don’t get well right? Now what will I do? It’s just plainly no. Bakit ba kasi??
